thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
This hospital has everything
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Well, that should do it