My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Seek kebab; not attention
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.