If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.