There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.