Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Room with a view.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Butt weight. There’s more!