Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Thursday
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!