I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother