Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I am patiently waiting for your email