One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I am yelling
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.