My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
#titanic
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.