Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
How I’d get arrested…
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The Joker was right
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog