When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
How is it still this week?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can