How do you like your Corgi?
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
What an awful time to have common sense.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..