I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one