As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
fair
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.