1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Life hack
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: