RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
No chill.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city