Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Have a lovely day 😊
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.