I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
We’ve come full circle
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.