Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.