me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex