Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.