it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”