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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Mountain Goat : )
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.