10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches