Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Seas the day!!!!
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
HR said no more nunchucks.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.