he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits