Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.