[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I hate everything
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.