i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Husband of the year 😂
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
guys i’ve cracked the code
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh