Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.