Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
dutch so unserious
I cannot stop laughing at this
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420