Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.