Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
For anyone who needs this today
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Meow