And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I’m good, thanks.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!