There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
You Might Also Like
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
adam and eve had first world problems
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
m’lady
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.