Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Who chose this font
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Lmbo
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich