If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.