NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
oh no, steve’s working tonight