The glory of fall.
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick