You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Cat.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult