Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
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My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.