Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I hope it’s French Onion!
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend