People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.