me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Well well well…
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school