I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
You Might Also Like
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.