There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
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Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*