Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Meme Monday.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy