It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
#milo
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*