date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
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By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’